Why Do Some Teenagers Still Struggle to Belong Years After Moving Abroad?
It's been four or five years... why haven't they adapted yet?" When time isn't enough for a teenager to build friendships abroad, video games and staying in their room often become a refuge. Insights on looking beyond behaviour to help them find a place to belong.
"It's been four or five years since we moved. How is it possible that my teenager still doesn't have close friends?"
This is a question I hear frequently from parents who moved abroad with their children.
At first, everyone expects the adjustment to take time. Everything is new: the language, the school, the culture and the way people relate to each other.
But when several years have passed and a teenager still hasn't found a group where they feel they belong, many parents begin to wonder what is happening.
They often describe similar situations:
"They come home from school and spend the rest of the day in their room."
"They never go out with friends."
"All they want to do is play video games."
And eventually, one difficult question appears:
Shouldn't they have adapted by now?
Adapting is about more than learning the language
When we think about settling into a new country, we often focus on visible achievements.
Learning the language.
Doing well at school.
Being able to navigate everyday life.
All of those things matter.
But feeling that you belong is something different.
During adolescence, identity is shaped to a large extent through friendships and peer relationships. Feeling accepted by other teenagers can be just as important as succeeding academically or becoming fluent in a new language.
Time alone doesn't always solve the problem
Many people assume that adjustment simply happens with enough time.
Sometimes it does.
Sometimes it doesn't.
Some teenagers build new friendships surprisingly quickly. Others need much longer. And some seem to get stuck in a kind of pause, where life becomes a routine of school and home while their social world never really begins.
That doesn't necessarily mean they don't want friends.
Sometimes starting over can feel incredibly difficult when everyone else already seems to have found their place.
What if video games aren't the whole story?
It's understandable that parents become worried when they see their teenager spending hours in front of a screen.
But before asking only how much they're playing, it may also be worth wondering what they are finding there.
The online world may offer something that currently feels difficult to find offline: a place to belong, shared interests, familiar routines or simply a way of connecting with others without the uncertainty that face-to-face relationships can sometimes bring.
This is certainly not the only possible explanation, but it may offer one way of understanding why gaming becomes such an important part of life for some teenagers after migration.
Belonging is part of adapting
When we talk about integration, we often think about visas, schools or language.
For many teenagers, however, a different question matters much more:
"Do I have someone to spend time with after school?"
Feeling part of a group is not a small part of the migration experience.
For many adolescents, it is at the very heart of it.
Looking beyond the behaviour
When a teenager spends most of their time alone in their bedroom, it's natural for adults to focus on changing that behaviour.
Sometimes, though, it can be helpful to pause before looking for solutions.
What does that room represent for them?
What are they finding in the online world?
How do they feel about reaching out to other teenagers?
What experiences have they had when they tried?
Not because there is one correct answer.
But because understanding a behaviour is often a better starting point than trying to eliminate it.
Every migration story is different
No two teenagers experience migration in exactly the same way.
For some, making new friends happens naturally.
For others, building a sense of belonging takes much longer than they—or their parents—ever expected.
When that process feels painfully slow, it doesn't necessarily mean that time has failed.
Sometimes it is an invitation to look more closely at what this particular teenager may need in order to feel that they, too, have found a place where they belong.
If your teenager is finding it difficult to feel a sense of belonging after moving abroad, it may be helpful to have a space to better understand what they are going through.
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