How Much Should Cultural Differences Justify Something That Makes Us Feel Uncomfortable?
Understanding a behaviour is not the same as accepting it. A reflection for those navigating relationships across cultural differences.
It's a question that often comes up when working with people who have migrated or who are building relationships with someone from a different cultural background.
It usually begins with a very human question:
"Maybe this bothers me because we grew up with different cultural norms."
It's a valid question. Understanding another person's cultural background can help us make sense of certain behaviours, communication styles, and expectations.
But there is another question that often remains unspoken — and, in many ways, it lies at the heart of the dilemma.
Even if something is shaped by culture… does that mean I should stop listening to what I'm feeling?
Over time, a subtle idea can begin to take hold: that being open-minded or respectful means we should be able to adapt to everything.
And that's often where guilt appears.
Guilt for feeling uncomfortable.
Guilt for not being able to "solve" the situation simply by understanding it.
Guilt for setting boundaries.
Guilt for wanting a relationship that also protects our own emotional well-being, not only the other person's.
To a certain extent, trying to understand another person's perspective can strengthen a relationship.
Cultural differences often invite us to reflect on our own assumptions and discover different ways of living, communicating, and making sense of the world.
But when understanding becomes an explanation for everything, something else can happen. Instead of bringing people closer, it can become a reason to question our own emotional experience.
Understanding a behaviour is not the same as accepting it.
We can understand why someone behaves in a certain way because of their culture, their personal history, or their circumstances.
And still decide that those behaviours are not compatible with the kind of relationship we want to build.
Perhaps the question is not only:
"Is this cultural?"
Perhaps it is also:
"How does this make me feel, and what does that feeling tell me I need?"
Because trying to understand another person should never require us to stop understanding ourselves.
Perhaps the challenge is not choosing one perspective over the other, but learning to hold both at the same time: remaining curious about another person's cultural background while continuing to listen to our own needs, values, and emotional experience.
If you are navigating a relationship across cultural differences and some of these questions resonate with what you are experiencing, it may be helpful to have a space to explore what is happening and what you need.
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